Disposable

I’ve been feeling very disposable lately.

Sorry, this is a personal blog.

It’s hard to be dropped by someone you thought cared about you. A little over a year ago, I was dropped–almost two years  and then nothing. First it was I can’t be your girlfriend right now. Then my feelings changed. Then nothing. We went from being perfect, to “trying to be friends” to nothing. My heart aches. I miss her. And I’m pretty sure she hasn’t been thinking about me at all.

This year, I stumbled into something. Someone who had developed into a friend suddenly seemed more. We became very close. I started opening up to her and I actually was developing feelings for her–at the stage where “really like you” was starting to maybe feel inadequate. Everything that was communicated back to me indicated the same. We had a month where things moved fast. Then overnight, she changed her mind. Literally, it went from one more sleep until and I can’t wait to see you, to this is over. At first it was this “one thing she couldn’t get past” something that didn’t have anything to do with me, but rather our circumstances and when this thing was done maybe, but until then we were still friends, we’d still hang out, etc (she wrote a very nice blog about it, that she has since deleted). We went from chatting constantly to nothing. I inquired. She retreated further, said that she realized when we almost started dating that she didn’t want a boyfriend, that waiting until this other thing passed wouldn’t matter, but claimed we were still friends. Then suddenly, it turned. She was avoiding me, said that I had to get over her. Accused me of using her to get over the other girl and then, when I asked if she ever had feelings for me, she said not as much as she thought. Dropped. Again.

Two things happened recently. One, I got a bit of good news. Something that I’m really excited about. I got a lot of reaction from a lot of people, but nothing from either of these girls. Not even a passive “like” on Facebook.

Second, I found out that in the month since that she slept with someone else, someone that she said she was starting to like and interested in dating, and was dismissed in a shitty fashion. And, even though it sounded like exactly what she did to me, I still felt for her. I reached out to make sure she was okay. Against my better judgement, I still care.

It’s hard, because I care about both of them. And neither one gives a shit about me.

But my painting made it into the second phase of the jury process for the MN Stage Fair Fine Arts completion. This is the furthest that I’ve progressed in the years that I have been submitting. So, that happened. Yay.

More later …

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Published by: Thomas Rohde

Artist // Writer // Theatre Professional // Nerd // Night Owl Inspired by a steady and lifelong infusion of pop culture, comic books, and a vast assortment of films and books, our friendly neighborhood blogger has doomed himself to a life of creative pursuits. There's not enough time for everything, but we all do what we can. Artist: of watercolor, ink, comic illustration, horror/ sci-fi/ fantasy art. Writer: of fictions, tweets, captions & blogs. Lover: coffee, whiskey, wine & beer. Instagram and Twitter as @demipho

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