It’s beautiful outside right now. Crept up very near 60 degrees today. It was a good day to not be working. Still, Winter hasn’t wanted to let its grip slip away this year. Only a couple of weeks ago we had weather that was the same and then I drove to work and it was misty. Then it was down pouring and then there was hail. Then it was just a straight up ice fuckstorm. That was a fun night. The water and the ice got kicked up under my truck and it sounded rough for the next few days. First, it was a crunchy sound and I was worried that something had gotten fucked. The next day it was a groaning sound, like a submarine underwater feeling the stresses of the ocean pushing against it. At that point I felt like it would be alright, but there is still the worry. Always the worry. Something about living to the bone, every little thing can really fuck you over good. I’ve been lucky, I realize; right now I have the loans that buffer my bruised paycheck, but one day soon those loans will not only stop coming, but I’ll have to start paying them back.
The night of the ice fuckstorm, I was over at Tiff and Meaghan’s apartment. Meaghan was home, in between stops on her tour (she’s touring as an ASM on a rep production on Comedy of Errors/ Romeo & Juliet), and Kristy was over as well. Tiff had made some spaghetti with a turkey sauce and we sat down and ate dinner, the four of us, drank wine and had a good time. Later, Kristy and I watched a bad horror flick from the ’80’s called Chopping Mall and Tiff baked cupcakes and Meaghan unpacked her suitcase and it felt very good. These are my friends. This is what we do. It was fun and comfortable. It’s a nice counterpoint to the ice fuckstorm. My life isn’t so bad.
I’ve had so much anger lately. Wisconsin has just been the most recent external cause of it. But it’s there, it’s in me and sometimes it all feels like too much. You just want to scream and scream and scream “Don’t you fucking get it? You’re breaking the world! You’re breaking everything!” The screaming doesn’t help. The people who are breaking things, they’re not listening–not to you anyway. You don’t matter. It seems so clear: who is the power behind it, what they want, what the end result will be … and yet so many people just don’t get it. They see hate–hate the gays, hate the immigrants, hate the people who think different. They are scared too, you realize. Scared because they have a family and they don’t have a job and they want to believe that it really is in their best interests. They see other people getting what they feel that they deserve. It’s a mad world and I don’t know how it will get better. So, the wise thing to do, is to try and calm the anger. It’s still there, but it doesn’t have to own your soul.
Class has been good this term overall. I feel odd though, like I’m in a different place from the other students. Maybe I am, maybe this is the sign that I’m ready for thesis to begin and to go it solo, or maybe I’m just not feeling that give and take from the other students. There is one student in particular that is just driving me nuts: her behavior, her general attitude, her commentary … it’s like she is trying to be the class mother or something. I’m sure it’s just a personality conflict and that she is a lovely woman, but it’s still frustrating. I’m sure that she feels the same by me. The subject matter is wonderful though and I’m overflowing with ideas for my own writing projects. I’ve got a draft in on a 20 page short story for class and I need to write a 20 page lyric essay still. I’m thinking about my novel a lot though. I’m ready to just cast off everything else and just do it, but right now it’s about time management. Work takes up so many units of time, class takes up so many units of time, and personal relationships take up so many units of time, so things fall by the wayside. This journal has fallen by the wayside.
This week I used vacation days because we’re between shows and I need to use them or lose them. It might have been preferable to go in and have an “easy” week, but I’m so happy I took the days. I’m catching up on some reading and have been able to catch a few films. Basically, I’m recharging my batteries this week. Today was going to be a writing day, I thought. When I got up though, I moved to my living room chair and realized that what I needed to do was just sit there and do nothing until I was ready to do something again. I sat there, fresh air coming in through the windows, with my eyes closed most of the time and just absorbed the stillness. I needed that stillness. I sat there until about 3 today and then it was time to do something. I opened my laptop and I entered the wider world.
Movies I’ve watched recently: Source Code (excellent), Limitless (pretty damn good), Lincoln Lawyer (excellent), Rango (fantastic), No Strings Attached (fun flick), The Unnameable (decent ’80’s horror flick), The Town (wonderful), Rock N Rolla (disappointing, a little boring), Scott Pilgrim Vs The World (again, still great), No Escape (haven’t watched it for years, still pretty decent action flick), The Joneses (very good), Proteus (decent early ’90’s horror flick), The Servants of Twilight (simplistic and stupid), Dare (good performances in a mediocre movie), Crow: City of Angels (better than I remembered it), Below (solid submarine ghost story), Johnny Mnemonic (not a great movie, but I still love it), New Rose Hotel (second viewing of this, gorgeous movie), Mr Fix-it (average rom-com that tries to be self aware), Cowboy Bebop (good flick, need to watch the series now) …
Television I’ve watched recently: Eureka (s1-s4 … I need to wait until this summer for s4.5 to air). I’m sure I mentioned in an earlier entry watching the entirety of Battlestar Galactica (if I didn’t it was excellent, the whole damn thing – except the flick The Plan, that can be skipped), weekly episodes of Castle & Community
Books read recently: The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell, Children of God by Mary Doria Russell, Gotham Central volumes 1-5 by Ed Brubaker and Greg Rucka, The Question: Five Books of Blood by Greg Rucka, Wolverine Noir by Stuart Moore, All-Star Superman by Grant Morrison, Umbrella Academy volumes 1 and 2 by Gerald Way, Serena by Ron Rash, The Golden Spruce by John Valliant, Daisy Bates in the Desert by Julia Blackburn … (all the books I read, plus ratings, go up on Goodreads.com).
There’s so much that I’m sure I missed, but with entries that are spaced this far apart, that is to be expected. That’s all I’ve got for now. Just finished watching a fantastic documentary, It Might Get Loud, while writing this.
More later …