I need to have ten to fifteen new pages tomorrow. I’ve been writing for the last few hours and I’ve got eight new handwritten zero draft pages. I’m pretty sure that they are terrible. When I get them typed up they will be less terrible, but still not quite what I’m looking for. It’s tough sometimes. I’m not really blocked, but the intention of my prose has gotten rerouted the last couple of weeks. I’m pretty sure it has to do with how I’m splitting my focus between classes (this will cease to be an issue at the end of the month when my Monday night class ends). I’m also that it has to do with the other stuff going on in my life as well. Work is the biggest weight on my mind and has been for a while now. I think that it might be squishing some of the life out of my writing as well. There is also my constant fight between having and living my life as well as pushing toward my goals (of which school is one). This is a constant struggle. I want to be able to spend time with all of my friends, but there just isn’t time for that and for the work to get done. At some point, some of these things will probably come to a head. I just can’t be all things to all people.
But then I do have some wonderful friends too who understand and are willing to take me when they can get me. We fit each other in around the fringes and it works.
It’s good that I’m not dating anyone right now. Even long distance I would probably fuck it up with my schedule and my desire to focus on school.
And still, I’m here. I need to type up the pages I’ve written and finesse them into something that doesn’t suck so much so that when I’m revising later I can maybe have the proper framework to create something good. I need to also type up my process notes and quotes from the readings this week (and finish the last of the readings). What I would like to do is crack open a book or two that I want to and absorb that prose and let it worm its way into my brain so that I can start creating things that I’m happy with again. Instead, I’ve got stodgy John Gardner’s voice as a refrain.
More later …